Try our new finger...er, chicken finger sandwich

Wendy’s today announced today they would be coming out with an ‘irreverent’ ad campaign aimed at targeting the 18-35 year old audience. By my count that would make them the 1,584,475th corporate advertiser to think that bad jokes sell product. With this move Wendy’s will not only fail to distinguish themselves from the crowd, but become lost in it.

Perhaps my old curmudgeonly self is getting too dimwitted to appreciate the knee slapping good times a man drinking from a sprinkler can provide? Maybe a woman dunking her head in a fish tank makes the rest of society blow a gasket laughing, then pull a ‘u’ turn to their nearest Wendy’s. All I know for sure is that I’ve traced it back to Craig Kilborn on ESPN’s Sportscenter. One guy makes some jokes, then gets his own show with the Mad Magazine "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" approach and suddenly all the advertising world is convinced they've got 'irreverence' down to a mass produced art. I wait for the day when a commercial with an Improvesque comic asking ‘Are you ready to laugh? Then head to Burger King!" comes on.

Perhaps Depends can sell their product with comedy. They could have Shecky Greene doing standup at Retirement World, making the residents p**s themselves laughing. “Has this ever happened to you? Hi, I’m Paul Martin….”

Love in the age of Tulips

The Sire and Mare of G.L. returned home last night from a visit to our Nation’s Capital and reported a lovely time sniffing around at the Tulip festival. My mother’s friend Snooky was looking at a bank of flowers near the East Block of Parliament Hill, when she noticed a handwritten note blowing by. She grabbed it and the letterhead indicated it was from the P.M.O. Of course, having no interest in Canadian politics as an American, Snooky forwarded it on to G.L.

Shocked, I realized it was the most dastardly of notes from the Putrid Mess…a mash note.

My Dearest Belinda,

I can’t go on like this, watching you from afar across the floor of the House. You radiate a mediocrity that draws me like a moth to a flame, so Liberal, so beautiful. I sit at night imagining you handling Democratic Renewal and get a tingle the likes of which I have not had since Scott Brison erected his campaign sign.

I know you are sworn to another, in your heart and by several thousand constituents, but I can promise you riches of the soul like no other and trips on one of my beautiful luxury yachts. You need not sit in obscurity any more. Be by my side announcing untold riches for Quebec; by my side on trade junkets around the world; by my side siphoning money out of Ontari…Alberta to give to the have-nots.

Belinda, you know you want this…it is in your eyes and your heart when you look at that wannabe MacKay. MacKay doesn’t love, Harper doesn’t love, but I love. Love your callousness, and your daddy’s money. Sigh….

Hopelessly devoted to Quebec, I remain,

Paolo Martino

PS – Does your daddy have any horses running in the Preakness??!! I love horsies!!

This is day 325 of the Liberal siege...

A real punch in the Stronach

Some nights I sleep poorly because of an 11PM bowl of chili, and some nights it’s because Tiny Small (she being the only one to put up with G.L.’s chili after-effects) gets the “jimmy-legs” and keeps waking me up in our too small bed. Last night was due to drifting off to sleep listening to Lloyd Robertson narrating the greatest defection since I left the Habs to become a Leaf fan in ’93.

Simply put it’s not only an affront to the Conservative Party that Belinda would do such a thing, it’s an affront to her constituency, her Party, her country, and most egregiously of course, G.L. If her moral compass were actually dialed into the true magnetic north of this country, she’d see that honour lies in fighting for what you believe in, not bailing out at the first chance to exit. If you don’t like something have the bal…the gumption to fight for it! Fight for the Conservative Party to become what your vision is, fight for the reasons you wanted to be there in the first place if you see them slipping away. That is honour. That is someone worthy of a vote. It’s quite a juxtaposition to see our Veterans only days ago celebrating their VE Day triumphs in the land where they stood tough, fought hard and suffered terrible losses in the name of this country, then days later be subjected to a coward fleeing her problems, and seeing both embraced by our country’s leader.

The Prime Minister (the Paul Martin, the Putrid Mess) most recently known for his spending spree reminiscent of a doped up Mr. Burns giving Homer a cheque for his bowling team is now in special form. Doubtful that Belinda looked like Poppin’ Fresh to the Putrid Mess; however, after my own ether-rag experiments I’ve deduced that the most likely vision he had of her at dinner was…a Quebecois. He clearly can’t say no to them and is giving Quebec everything he can and then some. Now, as though she was from Outremont, he’s whored out a Cabinet post to help save his miserable excuse for a government. He’s gone from spending hard cash to spending morality.

This is one of the darkest days in Canadian politics since I’ve been alive. In a minority position he chose not to include any Conservatives as Cabinet Ministers, even though it may have helped the governance of this country, now, suddenly, she’s good enough when wearing Liberal red.

This is day 324 of the Liberal Siege…