When Astronauts Kill

How did I ever sleep at night?

Fresh off a reiteration that banning handguns is the only way to solve gang based shootings, the Martin Liberals are at it again, getting the jump on everyone else by announcing the banning of weapons in space. Whew, that is having your finger on the pulse of the nation, ain’t it?

Later today, it is widely expected that Liberal strategists will be ready to announce the banning of all kitchen knives, toothpicks, forks, grapefruit spoons and meat thermometers in an effort to clean up kitchen crime. A non-serrated wooden stick will be issued to all homes to replaced the dastardly sharp “instruments of death”. Total cost of the program, $1.3 Billion.

When asked to comment on the new initiative, Liberal strategist Scott Reid remarked that “a culture of exclusion exists in kitchens across the nation that can only be cured by banning deadly weapons and making sure that everyone has access to enough cake batter.”